Rev Dj RaZorslave (razorslave) wrote,
Rev Dj RaZorslave

Reposting this because it's funny as fuck, and I want to tag it so I can remember it at need. . .

Its funny because its true..............Yanked from Terrorfakt....

I. Phase one.

- Discard all clothes your parents bought you at old navy, savers,
ross, etc.
- Discard your entire record collection. This is non-negotiable.
- Purchase albums by these bands:

Front line Assembly
16 Volt
My life with the thrill kill kult
Razed in black
Nine Inch Nails

- Purchase a dog collar and several KMFDM shirts (even though they all
look alike, uniformity is industrial because it's a social
commentary... or something).
- Purchase a trenchcoat. Of course it has to be black. This is
- If you are female, purple streaks in your hair make you the centre of
- Also go for the magnetic no-holes piercings and black eyeliner.
- When people ask who your favourite bands are, always answer something
along the lines of "oh you probably never heard of them"
- Dye your hair something dark and provocative.
- Start posting to the <> forum.
- Start making music in Fruityloops. whip up a nifty name like
"Gravitron" or "Destructive militaristic machinery" or "Destructopsycho" and
set up an account. Make sure to tell everyone about your band.
Remember, the more people who download your music, the bigger your
<> check will be.
- Change your AOL screen name to "smothered23hope". If you are female,
this may be replaced by anything which includes the words "pixie",
"faerie", "doll", "grrrl" or any combination thereof.

II. Phase two.

- Realise that all the bands you liked two months ago are not
industrial because they use guitars.
- Pretend you were never interested in the aforementioned bands, but in
fact you still listen to your limited edition "burnout at the hydrogen
bar" LP constantly.
- Purchase CDs by the following 'underground' bands:

Velvet Acid Christ
Leaether Strip
VNV Nation
Suicide Commando
Icon of Coil

- you make the mistake of ordering them from isolation tank. Wait a
month for your shit to arrive. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.
- When people ask who your favourite bands are, always answer something
along the lines of "oh you probably never heard of them"
- Replace those ageing Airwalk sneakers with a pair of knee high army
- Buy a pair of vinyl pants and bondage bracelets/club gear.
- Buy a German army vest at the local surplus. - remember that your
shwag is a metaphor of some sort (for the uniformity of society and man
becoming a machine... or something like that) so dress to impress.
- Dye your hair black and shave part of it. Do something "creative"
with the rest. If you are female, decorate the rest with multicoloured
- Buy a roland groovebox and make "dark dance music with an edge."
Pretend like this hasn't been done before.
- Go to your local industrial/goth club and hang out with your group of
friends. Share fashion tips. Talk about "the goth/industrial/dark-wave
scene" and how much it means to you to go to these clubs to support
"the scene".
- Pretend there is actually a "scene"
- Change your AOL screen name to "DekonstrvktedMekanizm23" or something
in German.

III. Phase three.

- Realise that the bands from Phase Two are utter crap.
- beg the club DJs in desperation for recommendations to save you from
your stale, repetitive record collection consisting of angsty Techno
and ESL lyrics.
- Upon their recommendations, hurry to your favourite Internet
mail-order site and check the following to "add to your cart"

Mlada Fronta

- you make the mistake of ordering from middle pillar. wait a month and
a half for your shit to arrive. do not pass go. do not collect
- When people ask who your favorite bands are, always answer something
along the lines of "oh you probably never heard of them"
- Start posting to
- Change your AOL screen name to something cryptic or an acronym. For
example "stubborncivility" or "E269GO__01V"
- get a live journal.
- Get a Boss or DOD distortion pedal for your roland groovebox. claim
that you are "experimental" Pretend like this hasn't been done before.
- start a side project, to allow more "freedom"
- Berate everyone for not having such obscure musical tastes as you.
- Sell your club gear to the salvation army. Keep your boots and army
- Start wearing black turtlenecks.
- shave your head...yes, like Mr. clean
- Keep going to the goth/industrial clubs, but only to make fun of
everyone else.
- Even though you can't beatmatch, convince the club owners to give
you a weekly 1 hour spot as "guest DJ". Make up a silly DJ name in the
vein of your aol screen name (bonus points if your screen name is your
DJ name).
- repeatedly post your playlists to Internet forums. Act like people
actually care that you play the same shit over and over.
- Be very self righteous about your DJ spot. Remember, you're helping
"the scene"
- Keep this DJ-gig until the club owner finds out that people really
don't like paying a cover charge to dance to what sounds like a
jackhammer looped for ten minutes.
- bitch to RMI about how the club owner "censored" your DJ spot.

IV. Phase four:

- You realize "the scene" is nothing more than fashion victims paying
for watered down drinks and overpayed europeans singing along to
prerecorded material.
- declare that you were never really part of the scene, because you
didn't fit in with the uniformity and the close minded attitude.
- Immediately discredit anyone who mentions "industrial"
- Determine that industrial music never existed outside the frame of
throbbing gristle's industrial records.
- Thus, you determine industrial is dead
- Become "intellectual"
- Carry obscure and/or philosophical texts such as Nietsche or
Witkiewicz. Pretend like you read them.
- Determine that god is dead. Pretend like this hasn't been said
- Openly discuss the "mad destructive genius" of Mein Kampf.
- Claim you are not a nazi.
- Collecte nazi imagery.
- Determine that Hitler is dead
- Become a 'photographer' or "artist". Use lots of adobe effects.
- Make 'collages' of old war pictures. Badly. On your PC, of course.
Pretend like this hasn't been done before.
- Talk about going to 'art school' when referring to your community
college night classes.
- Buy music by these bands:

genocide organ
mental destruction
grey wolves

- in fact, buy anything from anyone who sounds remotely European and
whose releases are obscenely overpriced.
- When people ask who your favourite bands are, always answer something
along the lines of "oh you probably never heard of them"
- Delete your AOL profile.
- Sell your Roland groovebox. Keep the distortion pedal.

V. Phase five:

- Revelation: power electronics has a horrible price to quality ratio
and nazi imagery doesn't get you laid.
- Become one of the following:

A: Musician

- Some European guy on your buddy list just started an internet label
and wants to release your post apocalyptic rhythmic micronoise made
entirely out of milli vanilli samples.
- Everyone pretends this hasn't been done before.
- You are hailed as a "deconstructive, social commentative genius" by
all the phase four suckers
- Your buddy's label goes out of business and you are stuck with 150
copies of specially coloured one sided 7" priced at 12.99 a piece. All
your friends hate your music.

B: Label manager

- You still believe in a "scene" and you try your hardest to "keep it
- Find a gimmick (such as only releasing 10" vinyl or hand painted
mini-CDs) and only release your friends' projects.
- Pretend to be "open to other genres" but one would be hard pressed
to tell the difference between all your releases.
- Overprice everything. This is non-negotiable.
- Go out of business after three releases due to lack of distro and
the fact that no one actually enjoys the phase four music, it just
seems like a good idea at the time.

C: pretentious art student

- keep making art. even your parents hate it.
- only listen to wanky academic music which experiments in
"psychoacoustics" or "microwave manipulation" because traditional
music is "boring"
- start a pretentious artsy, incomprehensible website.
- model it after <> pretend like you've never
heard of <>
- Impress people with your stories of travelling to Europe, when in
fact you've never left Wisconsin.

D: A washed up loser with no life skills and no social value- this is
your most likely bet.
Tags: 5 stages
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