Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry


I. Phase one.

- Discard all clothes your parents bought you at old navy, savers,
ross, etc.
- Discard your entire record collection. This is non-negotiable.
- Purchase albums by these bands:

Front line Assembly
16 Volt
My life with the thrill kill kult
Razed in black
Nine Inch Nails

- Purchase a dog collar and several KMFDM shirts (even though they all
look alike, uniformity is industrial because it's a social
commentary... or something).
- Purchase a trenchcoat. Of course it has to be black. This is
- If you are female, purple streaks in your hair make you the center
of attention.
- Also go for the magnetic no-holes piercings and black eyeliner.
- When people ask who your favorite bands are, always answer something
along the lines of "oh you probably never heard of them"
- Dye your hair something dark and provocative.
- Start posting to the kmfdmdogma.com forum
- Start making music in Fruityloops. whip up a nifty name like
"Gravitron" or "Destructive militaristic maschinery" or
"Destructopsycho" and set up an mp3.com account. Make sure to tell
everyone about your band. Remember, the more people who download your
music, the bigger your mp3.com check will be.
- Change your AOL screen name to "smothered23hope". If you are female,
this may be replaced by anything which includes the words "pixie",
"faerie", "doll", "grrrl" or any combination thereof.

II. Phase two.

- Realize that all the bands you liked two months ago are not
industrial because they use guitars.
- You will pretend you were never interested in the aforementioned
bands, but in fact you still listen to your limited edition "burnout
at the hydrogen bar" lp constantly.
- Purchase CDs by the following 'underground' bands:

Velvet Acid Christ
Leaether Strip
VNV Nation
Suicide Commando
Icon of Coil

- you make the mistake of ordering them from isolation tank. Wait a
month for your shit to arrive. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200
- When people ask who your favorite bands are, always answer something
along the lines of "oh you probably never heard of them"
- Replace those aging Airwalk sneakers with a pair of knee high army
- Buy a pair of vinyl pants and bondage bracelets/club gear.
- Buy a german army vest at the local surplus. - remember that your
shwag is a metaphor of some sort (for the uniformity of society and
man becoming a machine... or
something) so dress to impress.
- Dye your hair black and shave part of it. Do something "creative"
with the rest. If you are female, decorate the rest with multi-colored
- Buy a roland groovebox and make "dark dance music with an edge."
Pretend like this hasn't been done before.
- Go to your local industrial/goth club and hang out with your group
of friends. Share fashion tips. Talk about "the
goth/industrial/darkwave scene" and how much it means to you to go to
these clubs to support "the scene".
- Pretend there is actually a "scene"
- Change your AOL screen name to "DekonstrvktedMekanizm23" or
something in german.

III. Phase three.

- Realize that the bands from Phase Two are utter crap.
- beg the club djs in desperation for reccomendations to save you from
your stale, repetitive record collection consisting of angsty techno
and ESL lyrics.
- Upon their reccomendations, hurry to your favorite internet
mailorder site and check the following to "add to your cart"

Mlada Fronta

- you make the mistake of ordering from middle pillar. wait a month
and a half for your shit to arrive. do not pass go. do not collect 200
- When people ask who your favorite bands are, always answer something
along the lines of "oh you probably never heard of them"
- Start posting to rec.music.industrial
- Change your AOL screen name to something cryptic or an acronym. For
example "stubborncivility" or "E269GO__01V"
- get a livejournal.
- Get a Boss or DOD distortion pedal for your roland groovebox. claim
that you are "experimental" Pretend like this hasn't been done before.
- start a side project, to allow more "freedom"
- Berate everyone for not having such obscure musical tastes as you.
- Sell your club gear to the salvation army. Keep your boots and army
- Start wearing black turtlenecks.
- shave your head...yes, like mr. clean
- Keep going to the goth/industrial clubs, but only to make fun of
everyone else.
- Even though you can't beatmatch, convince the club owners to give
you a weekly 1 hour spot as "guest dj". Make up a silly dj name in the
vein of your aol screen name (bonus points if your screen name is your
dj name).
- repeatedly post your playlists to internet forums. Act like people
actually care that you play the same shit over and over.
- Be very self righteous about your dj spot. Remember, you're helping
"the scene"
- Keep this dj gig until the club owner finds out that people really
don't like paying a cover charge to dance to what sounds like a
jackhammer looped for ten minutes.
- bitch to RMI about how the club owner "censored" your dj spot.

IV. Phase four:

- You realize "the scene" is nothing more than fashion victims paying
for watered down drinks and overpayed europeans singing along to
prerecorded material.
- declare that you were never really part of the scene, because you
didn't fit in with the uniformity and the close minded attitude.
- Immediately discredit anyone who mentions "industrial"
- Determine that industrial music never existed outside the frame of
throbbing gristle's industrial records.
- Thus, you determine industrial is dead
- Become "intellectual"
- Carry obscure and/or philosophical texts such as Nietzche or
Witkiewicz. Pretend like you read them.
- Determine that god is dead. Pretend like this hasn't been said
- Openly discuss the "mad destructive genius" of Mein Kampf.
- Claim you are not a nazi.
- Collect nazi imagery.
- Determine that hitler is dead
- Become a 'photographer' or "artiste". Use lots of adobe effects.
- Make 'collages' of old war pictures. Badly. On your PC, of course.
Pretend like this hasn't been done before.
- Talk about going to 'art school' when referring to your community
college night classes.
- Buy music by these bands:

genocide organ
mental destruction
grey wolves

- in fact, buy anything from anyone who sounds remotely european and
whose releases are obscenely overpriced.
- When people ask who your favorite bands are, always answer something
along the lines of "oh you probably never heard of them"
- Delete your AOL profile.
- Sell your Roland groovebox. Keep the distortion pedal.

V. Phase five:

- Revelation: power electronics has a horrible price to quality ratio
and nazi imagery doesn't get you laid.
- Become one of the following:

A: Musician

- Some European guy on your buddy list just started an internet label
and wants to release your post apocalyptic rhythmic micronoise made
entirely out of milli vanilli samples.
- Everyone pretends this hasn't been done before.
- You are hailed as a "deconstructive, social commentative genius" by
all the phase four suckers
- Your buddy's label goes out of business and you are stuck with 150
copies of specially colored one sided 7" priced at 12.99 a piece. All
your friends hate your music.

B: Label manager

- You still believe in a "scene" and you try your hardest to "keep it
- Find a gimmick (such as only releasing 10" vinyl or hand painted
mini-cds) and only release your friends' projects.
- Pretend to be "open to other genres" but one would be hard pressed
to tell the difference between all your releases.
- Overprice everything. This is non-negotiable.
- Go out of business after three releases due to lack of distro and
the fact that no one actually enjoys the phase four music, it just
seems like a good idea at the time.

C: pretentious art student

- keep making art. even your parents hate it.
- only listen to wanky academic music which experiments in
"psychoacoustics" or "microwave manipulation" because traditional
music is "boring"
- start a pretentious artsy, incomprehensible website.
- model it after hell.com. pretend like you've never heard of hell.com
- Impress people with your stories of travelling to Europe, when in
fact you've never left Wisconsin.

D: A washed up loser with no life skills and no social value-

-This is your most likely route.

We've been debating adding a section about hose industrial kids that turn into ravers, or turn into hip/hop or gangester rap fans and am now soliciting ideas. . .



( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 17th, 2005 04:25 am (UTC)
that sooo needed an update.. thank you for posting it.
still cracking up.
Mar. 17th, 2005 08:59 am (UTC)
Damn you, I need suggestions. . . I know it rocks ;)
Mar. 17th, 2005 04:46 am (UTC)
i think currently i'm around phase II. now i know what to look forward to in the future...
nice. : )
Mar. 17th, 2005 08:59 am (UTC)
Damn you, I need suggestions. . . I know it rocks ;)
Mar. 17th, 2005 04:52 am (UTC)
That is awesome..hehehe.
Mar. 17th, 2005 08:59 am (UTC)
Damn you, I need suggestions. . . I know it rocks ;)
Mar. 17th, 2005 05:47 am (UTC)
What about phase # "Disaffected messy haired person who las learned to love denim and brightly colored clothing, but listens to loud, crunchy stuff on his/her spare time and cringes whenever his/her old friends bring up anecdotes involving Phase One antics"?
Mar. 17th, 2005 09:00 am (UTC)
Hmmm the Closet Rivet. . .

Mar. 17th, 2005 06:54 am (UTC)
So. Fucking. Funny. And true. I've seen that before, but it lives on.

Mar. 17th, 2005 09:00 am (UTC)
Damn you, I need suggestions. . . I know it rocks ;)
Mar. 17th, 2005 07:41 pm (UTC)
It sound be titled "how to become an elitist noize jerk."

Industrial dropped off that list in some middle stage.

Old Navy is cool. I'm head to toe Old Navy most days. They often have amazing army green pants and all their clothes come in black and white and grey and often army green or dark blue (in addition to the familiar pastels and bright colors).
Mar. 17th, 2005 08:59 pm (UTC)
I understand that you're still stuck in phase II. It happens ;) and Old navy isnt all that bad a store. My Ex Wife dragged me in there a couple of times last fall.

Mar. 18th, 2005 12:53 am (UTC)
Hmmm, i'm like a mix between 3&4.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )